i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
