Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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