my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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