Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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