my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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