i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
