I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
