Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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