If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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