Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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