Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
