i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
