So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
