i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
