12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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