i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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