I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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