Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
