hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize