So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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