omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
