you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
