I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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