He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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