saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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