i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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