I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
