eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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