Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
