We named our party play list daddy issues
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
