filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
God I need to hump something, right now.
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