Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
