think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize