what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
