my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
