A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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