You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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