i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
