if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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