i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
