Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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