Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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