those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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