i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
