i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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