Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
