so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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