2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize