There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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