A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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