can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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