I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
