he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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