He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
