Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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