I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
where does the pee come out of this thing
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
