Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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