I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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