Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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