You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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