i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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