before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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